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Reading Between the Lines : Me, Abby and Ann

Kathryn B. Lord, L.C.S.W.

I have always loved reading Ann Landers and Dear Abby. Actually, it made all the sense in the world that they were twins, because as far as I was concerned, their columns were indistinguishable. Ann died a couple of months ago, and eerily, her columns continued to run, written before she died. Here's a letter from the July 16, 2002, Clarion Ledger. It fits right in with our “Reading Between the Lines” sessions. Even though this is not a profile, this woman SPEAKS. What do you read from her letter, beyond the actual words? Think about it and scroll down to see both Ann's and my thoughts on the matter. 

Q: I have been divorced for 20 years and have given up on finding a decent man. Through the Internet, I have *interviewed* hundreds of men and looked at their photographs, and I wouldn't date a single one of them. 

Here are some of my objections: Why do balding men have so much facial hair? Is it overcompensation? I do not find this attractive. Some of them look as if they fell face-first onto a porcupine. And what about those guys wearing hats? They aren't fooling anyone. Then there are those with lots of hair -- but it is limp and looks unwashed. Some men obviously haven't seen a toothbrush in quite a while. 

If these men are serious about finding a date, they should consult their sisters, daughters, or others before submitting a photo. They should ask for advice and make sure they understand personal grooming and hygiene. A picture is worth a thousand words. 

Given Up in New Jersey 

Okay, what do you think? Jot down a few notes, and then 

Ann Landers’ reply: 

A: You are right that men (and women) who are having difficulty finding dates should ask their friends and family members to give an honest assessment of their appearance. However, I hope you are interested in more than a pretty face. Sometimes it is necessary to look beyond a photograph. 

And my two cents worth: 

This woman is ANGRY! Who knows why, because of that 20 year old divorce (Why is that still important to mention?), what slobs she thinks all men are, that no men are “decent,” or that she hasn't been on a date in a good long time? 

Goodness. I find it impossible to believe that she could have “interviewed” (what a hostile sounding word to describe the process) hundreds of men on the Internet or anywhere else and not have been able to find one or two decent, clean, and well-groomed men. 

This woman is a good example of “You find what you put out,” or as they say in Maine, “What goes around, comes around.” She sounds like she has always been disappointed in dating and romance, expects to be, looks for that, puts out that kind of energy and Surprise! Finds just what she is looking for. 

If this woman REALLY wants a mate (and I am not at all sure that she does), she has some serious work to do on herself. And I am not talking about a new hairdo and losing ten pounds.