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Profile Reading - What do men/women want?

Kathryn B. Lord, L.C.S.W.

How can you tell from a profile what the person is looking for in a partner? 

The easiest answer is look at what the person says in his/her description of what they are looking for. 

Most profiles have quite a bit of pretty specific criteria for a preferred match -- gender, of course, race/ethnicity, age, height, body type, and more. Then the profile itself may have a section of hoped for-mate description. 

So most clearly, you have what the profile writer actually writes. Since this is likely all that you have, you need to pay very close attention to those words. 

By reading carefully, you can make many educated guesses about the writer. Does he/she seem to be focused primarily on physical qualities - "Slim and trim," let's say, or "Fit and athletic"? Does the writer get even more specific? 

Sometimes you see something like "Asian women only" or "Long blonde hair a real turn-on." I think that even if I were an Asian woman or had long blonde hair, I'd stay away from those kinds of specifics. These people sound more interested in almost a fetishistic attribute than who a woman really is. 

Alternatively, does the writer describe desired personality and character rather than looks? "Honest, caring, and willing to be vulnerable" describes qualities more than skin deep. "Hard working, curious, with a great sense of humor" tells more about what a person would be like to spend time with than their dress size. When the lights are off and the action over, I'd like someone who has something interesting to talk about. 

Also, pay attention to what is not said. If you are interested in having children, does the writer mention that at all? Interest in having a family? Do they already have children? 

Have they been married before? I would look carefully at a person 40 or older who hadn't been married or in a long-term committed relationship. 

It's sort of like looking for gaps in a resume: What might the writer NOT be saying on purpose? 

In general, when a profile is all you have to go on, read carefully and take it seriously. Since the writer has taken the time to write what they posted, assume that he/she means it. If you're a woman and larger than a size eight, don't answer an ad that asks for eights or smaller. You're asking for rejection if you do. And if a female writer is looking for a guy six feet tall, listen up! She’s being quite clear.